


how to come out to the love of your life

by transbuck



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, First Kiss, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Trans Buck, disaster buck, eddie is jus out here doin his Best, maddie got all the buckley sibling brain cells
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-07 06:17:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18404834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transbuck/pseuds/transbuck
Summary: There's kind of areasonEddie doesn't know much about him. And there's a reason thatnobodyreally knows a whole lot about him. More specifically, no one really knows a whole lot about his past in general. He likes to keep his childhood private because he always gets these pitying looks that make him feel more broken than he already is whenever he talks about it. Besides, talking about his screwy childhood always brings up awful, painful memories he's tried so hard to block out. That's kind of why he's so hesitant to even attempt going to a longtime therapist. But he can't just straight tell Eddie that he doesn't wanna tell him anything about himself, because that would be incredibly suspicious and strange.





	how to come out to the love of your life

**Author's Note:**

> oh hey there! its me again! i come to you bearing a Trans Buck Centric Fic, which i think is what we all need. the idea for this fic has come from a couple different places. 1) i've just. had this idea in my head off and on for who knows how long at this point. and 2) for those who dont follow me on tumblr, i've got this lovely lil anon known as :sparkles: anon, who came into my inbox and said, "Eddie mentions one day about a school he once went to (young age like nine) and says he went to school with a girl called lisa/rose/rachel (idk whatever the name could be) buckley and asks if buck knew her. it was buck pre transition and he starts to panic. and it turns out eddie had a big crush on this person."  
> anywho! i hope yall enjoy! as usual, im on tumblr @diazbuckley! this is for all my folks in the Trans Buck Club. love yall to the moon and back ♥

One of Buck's favorite things to do is spending time alone with Eddie. No matter the occasion or location, Buck just loves being with Eddie. They could be sitting in silence together or chatting up a storm, and Buck would be having the time of his life. They don't get  _nearly_ as much time alone together as Buck would like, seeing as how they both have busy, often somewhat conflicting schedules. However, the fact they don't get a lot of time to themselves only makes Buck enjoy it just a little bit more.

Eddie had invited Buck over so they could spend some quality time together tonight. It's been a little while since either of them had mutual openings in their schedules, so Buck had enthusiastically agreed to come over the moment he could in fear that tonight would be the last night for a while that they could spend some one-on-one time together. He had been ecstatic about getting to hang out with Christopher before he had to go to bed, as he always is, and if it were up to him, he'd have gotten even _more_ time with the kid. He's completely happy with anything he can get with Christopher, though—Buck loves all kids he comes across, but Christopher is by far his favorite. After Christopher's tucked into bed, Eddie puts on a random movie for the two of them to watch together, though they're spending more time talking than actually paying attention to whatever's playing quietly on the TV. Buck's certainly not complaining about that, though. Eddie's voice is probably one of his favorite sounds ever. Scratch that. It's  _definitely_ one of of Buck's favorite sounds.

At some point, Eddie leaves the room and heads into the kitchen to grab the two of them some drinks. "So, there's something I'm curious about," he says as he's returning with two water bottles. He hands one to Buck, who takes it gratefully, before sitting back down on the couch. He squirms a little to get comfortable, pulling his legs up onto the couch beneath him.

"What's up?" Buck asks before opening his water and taking a quick drink of it. He sets the bottle on the coffee table in front of him before settling back down, turning his head to look at Eddie. He frowns when he realizes that Eddie looks a tad bit nervous.

"I feel like we've known each other for so long, y'know?" Eddie says, staring down at the bottle he set in his lap, fiddling with the label on it for a moment before looking back up at Buck. "And, I mean,  _you_ know so much about  _me_ already, but I feel like I don't know  _anything_ about you."

Buck's stomach drops a little at that. There's kind of a _reason_ Eddie doesn't know much about him. And there's a reason that  _nobody_ really knows a whole lot about him. More specifically, no one really knows a whole lot about his past in general. He likes to keep his childhood private because he always gets these pitying looks that make him feel more broken than he already is whenever he talks about it. Besides, talking about his screwy childhood always brings up awful, painful memories he's tried so hard to block out. That's kind of why he's so hesitant to even attempt going to a longtime therapist. But he can't just straight tell Eddie that he doesn't wanna tell him anything about himself, because that would be incredibly suspicious and strange. So, after another moment of hesitation, he finally says, "Well. Um. What do you wanna know?"

"Well, I mean," Eddie shifts a little to face Buck. He's quiet for a moment as he, presumably, considers his next words. "I'd like to know the basics, y'know? Like, where are you from?"

Buck frowns a little at that, stares down at his arms resting in his lap. He scratches at the surgical scar underneath the tattoo on his left forearm incessantly, a nervous habit he's picked up since the scar healed up a few years ago. This is quite possibly one of his least favorite questions to be asked. He's always hated Pennsylvania, and every time he mentions that he's from Hershey, all anyone wants to talk about is chocolate, chocolate, and more chocolate. A man can only talk about the origins of Hershey chocolate for so long before he starts to lose his mind. "I'm from a, um," he pauses to consider if he even wants to go as far as to tell Eddie what _state_ he's from. "A small town in Pennsylvania."

Eddie's quiet for a little while at that. The silence makes Buck squirm a little, but he'd rather sit in silence than get asked about a million questions about himself. After a moment, Eddie suddenly exclaims, "Oh!"

Buck's head shoots up in surprise at that, quickly turning it to look at Eddie with a slightly concerned look. "What? Is something wrong?" he asks worriedly.

Eddie laughs breathlessly and shakes his head to himself. "No, nothing's wrong. You just reminded me of something I totally forgot." Buck tilts his head a little, giving Eddie a confused look. "It's just, uh, I totally forgot that I lived in some small town in Pennsylvania for a couple years when I was a kid. Can't for the life of me remember what the city was called, though. Oh, and, God, I can't believe I forgot about this, but there was this girl in my class that I had the  _hugest_ crush on. Her name was, um... I think it was Rachel? And you'll never guess what her last name was." Eddie pauses for dramatic effect before breaking out into a broad grin. " _Buckley_. Her name was  _Rachel Buckley_. Can you believe that?" Buck's stomach drops down to the ground because that's  _his_ name. Well, it  _was_ his name before he came out, and before he got it changed. Now, Buck's thrown into memories from when he was little, when he had a giant crush on the new boy from Texas in his class, Eddie Diaz. Buck had totally blocked those memories out. Now that those memories are all flooding back to him, he's hit with the realization that he's his childhood crush is the same as his current crush. "Do you know her? Rachel? Or is it just, like, a  _huge_ coincidence that two different Buckley families lived in a small town in Pennsylvania, like, twenty years ago?"

Buck quickly ducks his head again to stare back down at his lap, scratching his scar a little harder as he carefully considers his response (he knows that this is a nasty habit, but he can't help it. It's usually the only thing that keeps his mind calm). Part of him wants to tell the truth, admit that that kid Eddie liked was  _him_ pre-transition. After all, it does kind of sort of imply that Eddie might like him  _now_ , and that thought makes his heart flutter a little. In fact, the fact that Eddie liked him when he was an awkward, goofy little kid who hardly knew what an 'inside voice' was. But, at the same, he's not ready to come out again to anyone. He trusts Eddie, he really does, and he knows deep down that Eddie won't have any sort of problem with it. But coming out to people always makes him feel all queasy, no matter how much he trusts the person. He's had one too many terrible coming out experiences, and he doesn't want to risk that happening with the guy that he's kind of sort of in love with. "Um, that's, uh, she's my cousin," he finally says quickly, wincing a little when his voice cracks a little. He refuses to look up at Eddie despite the fact that he can feel him staring at him, afraid of what kind of look he might see in Eddie's eyes if he looks over. "And, uh, speaking of family, I should probably go. Maddie's probably waiting up for me, and she might be, um, getting kind of worried about me." Buck stands hurriedly and makes his way over to the front door, feeling weird and uncomfortable, and all he wants to do right now is lay down on Maddie's lap.

"Buck, wait," Eddie says, standing and hurrying after Buck. He grabs Buck's wrist, holding him tight enough to keep him there, but not tight enough to hurt him. "Did I overstep or something? I'm sorry."

"No, you didn't overstep, it's fine," Buck replies, shifting nervously from foot to foot. He uses his free hand to remove Eddie's hand from his wrist. He's grateful that Eddie's grip was light enough for him to get out of it so easily. "I just, um, promised her I'd be home soon, and I don't wanna worry her, y'know?"

Eddie frowns a little, but thankfully doesn't press any further. "Okay. I'll see you at work tomorrow?"

"Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow," Buck says, smiling despite the fact that he's still kind of freaking out over how tonight's completely derailed from where he wanted it to go. Usually, he'll spend the night when he hangs out at Eddie's place, but he feels all queasy and uncomfortable right now, and he really just wants to freak out to Maddie about the situation and ask her to help him figure it all out. Thankfully, though, Eddie doesn't say anything more, just lets Buck rush out of the house without even _trying_ to stop him.

 

***

 

The entire drive home, Buck tries his very best to not freak out. He had wanted a nice, casual evening with his best friend, had even been dabbling with the idea of maybe kind of sort of telling Eddie how he feels. But hearing Eddie say his dead name, although he didn't  _know_ that it's his dead name, made him feel queasy and kind of out of it, mostly because he's been out for so long that remembering that his name hasn't always been Evan sends his mind reeling a little. Eddie didn't mean to use the name, though, Buck reminds himself, and the logical part of his mind tells him that if Eddie knew about his actual relationship with the name, he would never have used it.

The very first thing Buck does when he gets home is meander over to the couch, where Maddie's curled up with a book. She doesn't get the chance to say anything before he's flopping down on the couch on his stomach, burying his face in Maddie's lap and groaning for a very long time out. Now that he finally gets to relax around someone who knows his full past, the exhaustion from the evening is finally catching up with him. "Um, hi?" Maddie asks, one hand coming to rest on the back of Buck's head, almost out of instinct, it feels like. Buck feels a little less freaked out when she runs her fingers through his hair, gentle and slow, like she used to do when he was younger. The action brings back some of his nicer memories from his childhood. "Is everything okay?"

"Not really," Buck replies, voice muffled, before shifting to lay on his back with his head still resting on top of Maddie's lap. Maddie sets her hand carefully on his shoulder as he sets his hands on his stomach, twiddling his thumbs a little as he considers his next words. "So I have a very weird question. Do you know anyone who looks like me, but, like, pre-transition?"

Maddie sputters a little at that. She shoves a bookmark into her book and sets in on the armrest next to her so she can properly focus on Buck. "I'm sorry,  _what_?" she asks with wide, shocked eyes. "Why?"

"Um, so, you remember how, when I was in, like, third grade, there was this boy in my class who I had a crush on? That kid from Texas who I was, like, obsessed with?"

"Oh, yeah!" Maddie replies through light laughter. She moves her hand back to his hair, slowly running her fingers through his hair again and again. "His name was Eddie Diaz, wasn't it? Kind of a coincidence that you'd fall in love with  _two_ different Eddie Diazes from Texas, huh?"

"Yeah. Except, um, y'know, it wasn't a coincidence," Buck says, focusing down on his hands.

"I... Don't follow."

"So, um, I was just hanging out with Eddie, right? And he's all like, 'oh, I don't know anything about you,' which, like side note, that's kind of on purpose, I don't tell  _anyone_ too much about my past. But, um, he was super curious about me, so I was all, 'what do you wanna know?' And he's all, 'well, first off, where are you from?' And I didn't wanna give  _too_ much away, so I was all, 'a small town in Pennsylvania.' You know, super vague," Buck says, making wild hand gestures as recounts the evening's events to Maddie. "And he was all, 'no way! I used to  _live_ in a small town in Pennsylvania! And, wow, I totally forgot that I had a crush on this girl in my class, Rachel Buckley'. And then I realized, oh, shit, I used to have a crush on a boy from Texas who was _also_ named Eddie Diaz. So I  _panicked_ , and when he asked me if I knew Rachel, I just told him that she's my cousin and then told him that I had to leave. And now he probably wants me to reintroduce him to her or whatever, so I need to find someone who could pass as me if I hadn't transitioned, y'know?"

Maddie sucks in a sharp breath at that. "I mean. At least he liked you when you were kids? And maybe that means he might  _still_ like you?" she says, ever the optimist. Her hand stills in his hair as she pauses for a moment to consider what to say next. "Why didn't you just tell him the truth? That she's  _you_. That way you don't have to get some girl to pretend to be the cousin you don't have."

"Because that would mean coming out to him!" Buck exclaims, shooting up, nearly smacking his face into Maddie's chin in the process. He twists to face her with wide, desperate eyes. "Maddie, I'm not ready for that. Don't get me wrong, I trust him with my life, I just... The last time I came out to someone, it was to Mom and Dad, and now I don't speak to Dad and Mom  _still_ refuses to acknowledge any of it, even though it's been almost  _ten_ years. I'm just... I'm  _scared,_ Mads. I know I can trust him with this, I really do, I'm just so scared that he might hate me if I tell him."

Maddie's silent for a moment, reaching up to gently cup Buck's cheek, wiping away the tears he hadn't even realized had begun to spill. "I'm so sorry, Buck. It breaks my heart, knowing that you're still so scared, even after all this time." She pauses for a moment before smiling that hopeful little smile of hers. "If he's a dick about it, if and when you tell him, I'll totally kick his ass for you. Just so you know."

Buck sniffles, smiles gratefully at Maddie. "Thanks, sis. Sorry for freaking out on you."

"It's  _fine,_ Ev. I'm glad to be here for you when you need me. I'd listen to you freak out all day if you needed me to," Maddie tells him sincerely. Buck smiles a little wider at her before pulling her into a tight hug. He'll face the whole situation he just created with Eddie tonight some other time. Probably.

 

***

 

Buck proceeds to avoid Eddie like he's the goddamn plague for the next few days. He's so scared that if he spends more than a second alone with Eddie, he'll accidentally come out to him before he's ready. Getting himself to try and say those two little words out loud even to himself in the mirror is a little nerve wracking, so how the hell is he supposed to say them to one of the most important people in his life?

One night, when Buck's home alone, laying down on the couch and watching movies while being wrapped up in blankets and wallowing in self pity, the doorbell rings. He frowns, because he knows for a fact that Maddie's spending the night at Chimney's tonight. After all, she's excitedly told him all about it nearly a hundred times just in this past week. He figures that she maybe forgot something at home, so, begrudgingly, he sheds his blanket cocoon and meanders toward the front door, knowing full and well that his hair is probably sticking up all over the place, and that he's probably got pillow lines on his face from the position he had been laying in. But that's fine. Maddie's seen him at his worst before, and this is  _nothing_ compared to that.

The person who's at the door, though, is most certainly not Maddie. His eyes go wide when he sees that it's Eddie at the doorstep, looking perhaps a little anxious. "Hey," Eddie says quietly.

"Um, hi," Buck says when he recovers from the initial shock. This is bad, he thinks. There's nowhere for him to run now. And to make it even worse, he looks like a total wreck. This is not what he had in plan for today at all. "What are..." he pauses to lick his lips. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you. To talk to you. Can I come in?" Eddie asks, fidgeting with his hands a little.

Buck swallows deeply, hesitantly moves aside to let Eddie in as his mind screams at him to just tell Eddie that he's busy, that he really can't be here right now. But it's too late, Eddie's inside, and he's perching a tad bit awkwardly on the couch. Buck takes a deep breath and shuts the door before following Eddie. He sits down right next to Eddie, close enough that he can feel warmth radiating off of him, but not nearly as close enough as he'd like. Normally, he'd try to subtly move closer to Eddie, but right now, he's a little too freaked out to think about anything other than uselessly wondering about what Eddie might want to talk about that would make him so nervous. "What did you, um, want to talk about?" he asks after a tense moment.

"You've been avoiding me ever since that night at my place, when I mentioned Rachel," Eddie says cautiously after a moment. Hearing the name makes Buck feel sick to his stomach, but he forces himself to ignore that uncomfortable, almost _painful_ feeling, in favor of trying to focus on what Eddie's saying. "I'm sorry if I brought up any bad memories or something when I mentioned her. I just thought... Well, I don't know what I thought. I just wanted to apologize, 'cause it's been weighing on me these last few days, and I just... I wanted you to know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I hurt you, or if I made you uncomfortable."

Buck's taken aback a little at that. He didn't realize that Eddie had also been hurting over that night. He suddenly feels kind of bad about avoiding him so much lately, but that avoidance wasn't necessarily because of Eddie. It was mostly because Buck has no idea how to confront his feelings, and her certainly has no idea how to go about coming out to the people he loves. "It's okay. I forgive you," Buck murmurs, staring down at his lap as he mindlessly scratches the scar on his arm again.

"If you don't mind me asking, did... Did something bad happen to her?" Eddie asks after a silent moment.

Buck lets out a huff of laughter as he glances over at Eddie. It makes his heart ache to see how genuinely concerned Eddie is. That's one way to say it, Buck thinks. After a moment of careful consideration, he says, "You could say that."

Eddie frowns, seeming a little puzzled by the sentiment, but he doesn't say anything further on the matter. "Is something wrong?" he asks hesitantly, shifting a little closer to Buck and setting a hand on his knee. "You seem really nervous."

Buck closes his eyes, takes a slow, deep breath. His knee feels on fire where Eddie's hand is resting, but he decides to ignore that feeling for now. "I'm fine," he whispers, although he knows that isn't the truth. The more mature part of his brain is yelling at him to get over himself, to just tell Eddie the truth because he really has nothing to be afraid of with him. He fidgets nervously and ignores that responsible part of him.

"Buck, you know you can tell me anything, right?" Eddie asks, gently squeezing Buck's knee. The simple action makes Buck's heart feel a little gooey in his chest.

"I know," Buck replies quietly. Before he realizes it, his mouth decides to say something further. "Hey, can I tell you something about Rachel?" he asks, despite wanting to puke and cry when he says the name. His mind's currently screaming at himself to shut up, to start thinking what he's saying through before he actually says anything, but his mouth doesn't seem to want to listen.

"Of course you can," Eddie tells him gently, squeezing Buck's knee again before gently rubbing it, and everything that Eddie's doing right about now makes Buck feel like he's in heaven.

"She's me," Buck says, eyes widening when he how bluntly he's gone about saying it. There's no point in taking it back, though, because he said it a little louder than he meant to, and there's no way Eddie didn't hear it.

"I don't follow," Eddie replies with a concerned frown (some part of Buck's brain thinks that Eddie looks _adorable_ with that confused expression on his face).

Buck scratches his scar a little harder as he considers what to say, but when he winces, he forces to move his hand away. Part of him is yelling at him to just say that he misspoke so he can get out of this situation, but he's in a little too deep for that. Besides, when he really thinks about it, he realizes that he  _trusts_ Eddie with this part of him. Sure, there's always that underlying fear of getting a bad reaction out of him, but that's a risk he's willing to take because he's starting to get tired of hiding such an important part of who he is from someone who means the world to him. "Um. Eddie? I'm trans." The moment the words come out of his mouth, he feels a ginormous weight being lifted off of his shoulders. He lets out a long sigh of relief before turning his head to gauge Eddie's reaction. He seems to take it well, seeming a little shocked at first, but Buck had kind of expected that.

"Really?" Buck nods slowly, a bit cautiously, almost. "Thank you so much for telling me," Eddie says, removing his hand from Buck's knee so he can gently take one of Buck's hands. Buck stares down at it in shock, his chest feeling warm when Eddie gives it a light squeeze.

"Does this... Does this change anything between us?" Buck asks hesitantly, glancing from their joined hands over to Eddie.

"Not at all," Eddie says sweetly as he shakes his head. "You're still my Buck. I still love you."

Buck swears his heart explodes at the words. Eddie says them quietly, perhaps a bit shakily, but just hearing them fills Buck with glee. Eddie calling Buck  _his_ is kind of short circuiting his brain a little bit. His chest feels warm and he feels butterflies floating around in his stomach, and he can't help the broad grin that spreads across his face. "You love me?" he asks, eyes darting around Eddie's face.

Eddie smiles crookedly and nods, intertwining their fingers, and just that small gesture leaves Buck's head reeling. "Yeah. I love you."

Buck can't help but laugh a little, a little giddy and shocked all at once. "Well, good! 'Cause I love  _you_!" The grin that finds its way onto Eddie's face makes Buck's face feel warm.  _He_ caused that joy. That joy is on this beautiful man's face because of something  _he_ said. "Can I... kiss you?" he asks after a moment.

Eddie doesn't say anything, just leans forward and presses his lips to Buck's, and it's quite possibly the best kiss Buck has  _ever_ been apart of. It's a little shy on both of their parts, but the fact that it's Eddie freaking Diaz who's kissing him, the guy who he's apparently been hopelessly in love with for nearly twenty years, makes it quite possibly the best kiss of his life. When he feels Eddie's other hand reach up to gently cup his cheek, Buck can't help but think that his future is so much brighter now that he's out to the man he's in love with and now that he knows that Eddie's just as in love with him as he is. His entire body feels warm as he pours as much love as he can into this kiss, excitedly wondering what might happen for the two of them next.


End file.
